I’m starting to question whether or not I’m asexual. If anyone who knows me in real life were to hear me say that, they’d probably be in hysterics - I’m the highly sexualised member of all my friendship groups. I love sex. I’ve had sex with a lot of people. I have sex at every available opportunity. If my brain were a computer and kept a record of my most spoken phrases, ‘I’d bang him/her’ would be up there in the top three. But recently I’ve started to question my sexuality - I’ve started to question my attitude towards sex and sexual attraction, about why I have sex. I never really have/had sex because I was really sexually attracted to that person or those people. It was always more because that was my identity, and I didn’t want to lose the one thing that made me interesting. I wanted to have sex because I felt obliged to - I started to have sex out of curiosity, and then got so deep (no pun intended) that I felt as though that’s how people saw me and so I had to carry on. I never really enjoyed sex despite what I said and always hated myself afterwards regardless of who it was with, and with 90% of the people I’ve been with I found myself wishing it was over almost before it had even started. When I had a ‘long-term’ sexual relationship by my standards, I started to see sex as a chore because I didn’t really want the guy in that way - at first it was something new and exciting but after a couple of times it just came to be an unnecessary effort. Sex became a challenge for me, a competition - I’d do it because of that, not because I wanted to have sex. I haven’t had sex in five months now and I don’t miss it even a little bit. I barely ever feel horny, and when I do it’s not an urge to go out and find someone to sleep with. I’ve had opportunities to have sex and turned them all down because I wasn’t attracted to that person or it didn’t feel right. I can appreciate someone’s aesthetics (in fact, I think almost everybody is pretty, or beautiful, or hot or sexy in some way) but not in a I-want-to-have-sex-with-you kind of way. I’m just not interested in a sexual relationship and can’t see myself ever being again.
I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember, and I was just starting to get through it, I was making progress and I’d actually had a few weeks which didn’t completely suck, I was starting to get me back, and then it’s like now I feel like I’m right back where I started, as though I’ve tripped and fallen right down to the bottom again and the irony of it all is that the people I’d normally turn to are the people who’ve caused all of this
and you will both fucking pay.